So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
