my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
