She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
