i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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