I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize