I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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