I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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