The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
