how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
