it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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