??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
