My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
