we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
