I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just google imaged poop.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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