At least make sure they are 18
Why
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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