I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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