I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
