I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
