; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize