so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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