I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
