So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
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I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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