Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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