I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
