Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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