we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
