how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
