just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
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There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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