my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
