I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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