im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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