I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
