How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
