Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
