I want to walk on stilts...naked
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
