You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
