How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize