I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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