wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
