i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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