I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
