he puts the penis in happiness.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
