You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
