sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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