Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy