and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.