Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
