I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
