I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
