he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
