Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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