Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
