something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
