I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
