I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
