I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
