You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
