Ambien. No doubt about it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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